Joaquin Phoenix Apologizes for Gross Oversight in Oscar Acceptance Speech
“When I talked
about the opportunity to use our voice for the voiceless, I completely forgot
to mention unborn children,” he said. “I’m not sure why. They were written down
in my notes, right at the top of my list of gender, race, queer, indigenous,
and animal rights, but I guess I was so nervous that I accidentally skipped
over them.”
Phoenix
pulled out his notes and held them up for cameras to see. Photographs taken of
the slip of paper reveal barely-legible scribbles, including one word which
could be mistaken for “unshorn,” “untorn,” or (if you squint your eyes) “milkshake.”
Wiping
tears of regret (or possibly sleeplessness) from his eyes, Phoenix added, “When
I mentioned that we’ve become disconnected from the natural world, I failed to
mention our society’s disconnect from the beauty of what goes on naturally in
the womb of a woman.”
Reporters
threw questions at the actor (or possibly accusations; it was hard to
distinguish words in the cacophony), but Phoenix quieted them all by pulling a Smith
& Wesson Model 36 out of a paper bag and waving it around.
“It’s embarrassing,
really,” he said, laughing awkwardly and loudly. “I mean, pre-born children are
the epitome of ‘voiceless’: they literally have no ability to make noise in the
amniotic fluid that surrounds them. I mean, have any of you seen The Silent
Scream? Or the advancements of ultrasound technology? Or the findings published just earlier this month by Stuart WG Derbyshire (a pro-choice doctor) and
John C Bockmann (a pro-life doctor) related to fetal pain? It’s enough to make you go crazy.”
He interrupted
himself with a long bout of what appeared to be uncontrollable laughter.
Police
arrived seconds later, interrupting his self-interruption, aborting his chances
to take the lives of any helpless, innocent victims.
The lauded
thespian was taken into custody for brandishing a weapon with malicious intent.
Rather than resist, he simply continued to laugh raucously.
Phoenix’s
lawyer, publicist, and almond milk supplier were unavailable for comment before
the publication of this story.
Correction: an earlier version of
this article included the erroneous phrase, “Securing the win for imitating
Heath Ledger.” We apologize for the error.
© 2020 by Saht Tyre.
photo
credit: vpickering
via flickr,
CC